Nothing makes sense.

Hoobastank- Tears of Yesterday
Saosin-Seven Years
Something Corporate- Konstatine
If I'm going to blog about this I need to do this at this very moment with every source of emotion still fresh. I miss you more than anything in this world, typing this gets me crying already. I swear what happened isn't fair and no matter what your my big brother and I will always be your little monster. I don't know how I will live the next x amount of years, but like you said I can do whatever I want. The other day you told me something I never realized, I am your best friend. I couldn't even bare to believe that you would consider me your best friend. I wish I could take everything back, wipe my tears and the slate, the past will never come back. I wish it was like when we were younger, playing baseball in the house, or fighting or stupid little things, I wish those were the problems I had to worry about. I wish something would make the future change. I miss you. I don't know what to say, your the best brother regardless of what you say and I don't know mom's just not strong these days and I don't help, but I will, don't worry. Oh man I don't even want to deal with life right now. It's ok I get to cry, i've held everything in for long enough and this, this allows me to not be strong, I don't have to put up that show that I am that happiest in the world because this very moment I don't even know how to continue. And now I have to go to a wedding tomorrow and act like nothings happened and be happy with this inside me. IFXCKINGHATELIFE...God I know you have your reasons, but why? Why my brother? Why do these things happen, I know you and it's not fair, but it's okay like you said God has a purpose for everything. I just cant stop crying. It's ironic that lately i've been needing a good cry, but I didn't want it to be about this. I miss you brother, I won't ever stop...it's not forever, but it's for a long time. Don't worry I never keep my threats of crazy moments, you won't find me doing a bunch of careless things to find a reason or way to deal. I must admit a nice bottle of Grey Goose would help.
I still can't believe this is happening.
Okay thats enough, I'm making myself cry even more.